Be me: Matthias Großendinger, AKA the gnome of variable height, and the sole designer, manufacturer and distributor of the World-famous miniature subacontrabass, as well as the head guild artisan of the Guild of BassEnd of session
Also be Level 10 chaotic good pure bard famous throughout the land
Be party: level 10 bard, level 10 bard, level 10 bard (some of them were multiclassing, but I wasn't really paying attention)
Party is mostly either chaotic or lawful good
The campaign starts with us meeting the king. He called us together to form the best band in the land. He wanted us to work our way to his brother, who was the duke of the neigboring kingdom
Apparently some shit was going on and he needed to speak to his brother about something, but the Duke was really suspicious and refused to meet
I'm doing my Bardly duty and not really paying attention, but he basically wanted us to gain the Duke's trust using the power of song (and maybe some magical suggestive lyrics)
Be newly formed band: Bongwater Revival.
But first, lemmetakeasidequest.gif
Some rebels in the capital city that want to stir up shit for some reason.
King wants us to 'take care' of them
We break into the manor that they are using as a base of operations
After taking significant damage clearing the first room, we decide to take a quick nap
Bard #2 casts Leomund's Tiny Hut, which protects us and allows us to take a short rest.
We song of rest circle-jerk to full HP with a short rest.
Moving on to the next room, we are fighting the head of the rebels.
And a animate suit of armor
And an elephant...
Be me, shitty player who doesn't really play spellcaster much
Going through me spells, figuring out which does the most damage.
Find 'Erupting Earth', which does 3d12 damage to everything within a 20-foot cube.
Except you add 1d12 for every level above 3rd
And thus begins the saga of The BlenderTM
Cast Blender at 5th level, targeting both the elephant and the boss
Elephant is all but dead, boss is bloodied by the time it is my turn again
Elephant and boss defeated, armor already dead, we can move on the the main quest
We start out by buying several wagons and forming a caravan, then we set out for the Duke.End of session. Next session is a week later, and knife bard is busy, so we played as though his character was just unconscious
On our way there we come across a rather large farming town
After we perform there, we meet with the mayor at a feast.
Apparently there are some monsters residing in a cave system connected to the old mine that are attacking the city.
We head to the house of an old farmer, the only person to have ever entered the cave and live.
He agrees to tell us everything he knows... under one condition
He wants to know if we are tough enough to survive
Be Bard #3, AKA knife bard. (He has a bag of holding full of 500 daggers)
He pulls out his magic flaming dagger
Wanna know how tough I am?
He stabs himself in the shoulder.
Takes like 20 damage
Farmer turns to the rest of us
"Well, you certainly are crazy, but are you tough enough to make it? If you can retrieve my axe from that tree, I'll tell you everything I know."
He throws his axe and sticks it into the top of a tree
Be Bard #4, AKA only player worse than me
Have dimensional door, don't use it.
Be Knife Bard
Have fly, don't use it.
Be me, roll dex to climb tree
Eventually make it to the top and try to pull out the axe
Tie rope to it instead and drop it down so party can help
He tells us what he knows, apparently there are some drow in the caves.
Having gained almost no useful knowledge, we head to the mine that leads to the cave.
We pass through a room full of poisonous mushrooms
2 members fail... 5 total damage
Party moves on
Enter huge cavern, nearly 300 feet in diameter
Half of the cavern is just a pit to nothingness
We all feel an 'evil vibe' coming from the bottom
There are a bunch of drow in the room
4 of them are standing within 20 feet of eachother
Cast Blender, Krewe de gras-ing two of them, leaving the other two nearly dead.
Combat is mostly uneventful, we kill all of the drow before any can run away
But now we feel rumbling throughout the cavern
I come up with a great plan: I'll fly up to the ceiling and cast blender on the roof of the cavern, causing over 3 million pounds of rock to fall on its head
Except it doesn't come from the pit, it comes from the middle of the ground
It's a gargantuan purple worm
It suprise attacks the party and then dives back into the earth
I ready an action: as soon as I see it again I'm going to blend it.
Most of the party is grouped up all together like a bunch of idiots
The worm comes out from beneath them, dealing massive damage
My readied action activates, and I cast 6th level blender on the worm... and my party
One of them goes down, two other are nearly dead
The ground by the cliff crumbles, taking out downed party member with it.
The worm did it I swear
A couple rounds pass and we kill it
We loot several tens of thousands gold worth of gems from in it, and prepare to rest for the night.
Before we can rest, a drow priestess approaches us and asks what happened
Knife bard decides to be diplomatic and try to be peaceful
We explain how we ventured into the cave hoping to speak to the drow about bringing peace between them and the village, but the purple worm attacked when we arrived cough ... and killed all of the drow in the cavern... those totally *aren't** stab wounds on your friends*
She buys it, and agrees to let us set up a meeting to negotiate peace.
After we wake up from our rest, we notice that one of our members is still asleep.End of session
After he still doesn't wake up, we make a litter and decide to exit the cavern
Somehow the entrance we came through collapsed
We move on deeper into the cavern searching for a way out
On the way we find a big guy completely covered in black armor tied up on an alter
Seems like a nice enough fellow, we untie him and invite him to join us in place of our fallen comrade
We have to go talk to their god if we want to take her sacrifice
Go into another giant cavern.
We're standing on a cliff about 20 feet wide. In front of us is a cliff, and 100 feet down is a huge pitch black lake.
This all looks pretty normal
We hear a voice in our heads promising us all of our wishes if we follow her
She's tells us that if we want to leave the cavern, we have to jump into the water
Yeah, that's not suspicious at all
Once again, nobody bothers to use their useful spells, like dimension door, fly, or jump
We the all of our rope together, and the black knight decides to try to jump to the shore
It's only 100 feet down and like 150 feet away.
He lands about 15 feet from the shore and his knees crumple, so he's prone in the water
A bunch of tentacles come out and start attacking him
They try to, at least
A couple rounds pass and bard #5 is blasting the aboleth with sacred flame
As a gnome, I way about 55 pounds - counting all of my equipment.
Black Night has gotten onto the shore and is bracing against the rope now
I hand the other end of the rope to bard #4 and zip line down to the shore
I land a couple feet from shore and take some hits, but pass all of my con saves so I don't have anything major happen
Having used most of my spell slots earlier, I decide to go whack it with my sword
Decent damage, but I have to make a con save
Roll pretty good, get a 5
"You find it getting harder and harder to breath, and your skin starts to feel itchy
Jump back into the water
Bard #4 tries to zip line down, but falls off about halfway across.
He gets cursed with fish skin too, but can still breath normally
Like the next round we kill the aboleth
Bard #5 ties the rope to knife board's body and ziplines down
Black knight decides to pull the body off of the 100 foot cliff, and through the 150 feet of lake.
By some miracle he is still alive by the time BK drags him to shore
I swim to shore and tell our cleric-bard (bard #5) that I have a disease and can't breath air
Casts dispel magic
BRO I SAID IT WAS A DISEASE, NOW I HAVE TO REATTUNE TO MY SHIT WTF
15 minutes later and I'm magical again
Before we can make our plan, the drow priestess comes in onto the ledge.
Apparently it had tricked the drow into thinking it was their god.
We roll initiative and prepare for combat
I start swimming towards the base of the cliff
I'm still "cursed", so I can breath underwater and don't have to surface
Complete stealth mode engaged
IRL I start cackling like a madman with a crazy look in my eyes
The party realizes what's going on and the start laughing too
A second later the DM realizes what's about to happen and just sighs and facepalms as he accepts his fate
3 turns later and I get within range
Party is mostly okay, flying spiders have driven bard #5 into the water, and BK is running away like a Bitch
Knife Bard is somehow still alive, even though he is being eaten alive by flying spiders
I cast BlenderTM at 6th level
Out of nowhere, the cliff explodes around the priestess and her companions
I roll crazy well, 70 damage
Her thugs are vaporized into a fine red mist, and she is left at 1 HP, falling to her death
She casts levitate and floats down to the water safely ,then tries to swim away
I was prepared for her.
I cast vicious mockery
I ask her "What's the difference between a drow and salsa?
"Not much after they've been through The BlenderTM "
Black knight comes back to the group with his tail between his legs
Cleric Bard casts feign death on me and bard #4 to temporarily cancel the affects of our diseases.
They grab both of us and knife bard and start hiking towards the cave exit
After an hour they have just left the cave, and feign death wears off
BardCleric casts feign death on me, but is out of spell slots for bard #4
He can breath, he just takes damage from being really itchy
We make it back to town, and head to the local church
I can breath again, but we both are still fishskin cursed
They priests heal us, and to thank them I donate 33 platinum to the church
They about have a seizure from my generosity
We go tell the mayor that we took care of the drow
He is really fucking suprised, we took care of the problem that has been plaguing them for many years in like 6 hours
Gives us a kickass cornucopia that makes food and can cast hero's feast once a day
Also gives us a shitton of sweet midevil bitcoin
We're really fucking rich now
Bard #4 (who has just told us that he is a pirate?) decides to buy a ballistae and mount it on his wagon in the caravan
Black knight decides to use his money to buy an airship, but has to ask bard #5 for money
Bard #5 gives away all of his money
We are woken early the next morning by the sounds of the rest of the drow approaching with an army of giant spiders
We are fighting the giantest spider while the militia takes on the others
Bard #4 shoots the ballistae but misses
Bard #5 Uses Sacred Flame
I look at its eight spindly legs
"Lets see how well it can fight without legs"
Cast BlenderTM at the spider
Immobilized, we easily finish it off
We beat the rest of the army to oblivion
Tired of their shit, we go back to the cave (which happens to be the top layer of the underdark) and raid all of their shit... that is, we raid the entire upper underdark
We head out for the Duke's kingdom (We are now level 13)
The trip should take about 5 days
On the first day nothing happens
On the second day a storm begins to brew
The sky gets darker as the day goes on
A couple of hours later, we see an army appear over the horizon
It is the skeleton of bard #2 - who had sworn vengeance - leading an army of 1,000 skeletons
I cast my new 7th level teleportation spell and bring us to the city
We arrive without incident
Guards don't know what magic is, get pissed at us for teleporting
They let us into the city (because we hadn't done anything wrong)
But first, the pull me and BK aside and tell us not to cause any trouble
The entire city is massively racist
Oh, did I mention BK is riding a Nightmare?
Through the middle of a massive city
Where nobody really knows about magic
The guards tell him to get off, but he refuses
Meanwhile, I cast disguise self so I look like a dwarf. I still get glared at, so I change into a short human
Gaurds approach us
They want to arrest me for being a shapeshifter
I start casting disguise self every six seconds, making myself taller and shorter, as well as messing with my facial features. Because I have a magic hat that allows me to do this it doesn't take any spell slot
BK grabs me and uses his horse to enter the ethereal plane
Shortly later, wanted posters appear for the Black Night and the Gnome of Variable Height
Meanwhile, the rest of the party is at an inn getting information
Apparently there is a rebellion going on here led by a bunch of cultists
Knife Bard gets kicked out for trying to juggle his flaming knife
Once outside, he casts disguise self, and walks back in as Pastamania Hulk Hogan
"WHERE CAN I JOIN THE REBELLION BROTHER?"
Did I say chaotic good? I meant chaotic stupid.
Undercover agents at the inn go and arrest him
He uses dimension door to get away, and then undisguises
New wanted poster: Pastamania Hulk Hogan
BK and I have rejoined the party at the inn
The rebel base is set up right outside of town
I still think we should go speak to the duke, but the party decides to go undercover and sneak into the base
Pirate and Cleric bard climb onto black knight's horse, while knife bard and I disguise ourselves and we approach the rebel's gate
"Hi, can we join your cult?"
Black Knight decides to exit the ethereal plane at this moment
Rebels blow there horns and start screaming that they are under attack
Cleric bard decides to be diplomatic
Wait, we just didn't want to be spotted heading towards the camp
We all get kicked out, but cleric bard manages to convince them that he is a cleric of Bane (The god they worship)
He is now locked into the rebel camp
The rest of the party (except for me) hops onto BK's horse and follow them while hidden in the ethereal plane
The cultists decide to tell the new guy everything, and give him a tour of the camp
They have an iron golem, but they need more magic people to awaken it, so they have some reinforcements coming later that day
They are planning on attacking the city tonight
Knife bard uses message to tell cleric bard that we are going to burn the place down
He manages to leave
As soon as we see he left, we start a brush fire about 60 feet away and Knife bard summons wind to whip the flames into a raging inferno
He lies down behind it and does nothing else for the entire encounter
I use BlenderTM and start tearing down walls and buildings
Black Knight polymorphs into a battle rink and starts trampling buildings and people
Pirate bard is riding the nightmare and shooting at the guards
Meanwhile, cleric bard is running towards the city to get help
We slaughter all of them and raze the fort
Cleric bard gets back just as we finish killing the ones who didn't burn alive
After that massive slaughter, Black Knight invites us all to join him in following the god of pain
We escape to the airship which had just arrived in town and flee the area
The remaining cultists try to attack the city but fail miserably
The Duke uses this as an excuse to declare war on the king
Meanwhile, we have become sky murder hobos.
Cleric bard's old character is now leading a quest to capture us, so his player has to make a new one
We agree that we have reached a 1.75 on the scale, meaning that we have caused the entire plot and any subplots to be derailed. "It has ruined the game, and likely caused the GM to begin seizing, attempt to strangle the perpetrator, laugh uncontrollably, or just sit there in shock."It's funny how accurate the scale is, as the DM had reacted on most of those ways
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